Save Me Thomas

If you were born in the early 80s like me, chances are that you owned a Nintendo Entertainment System. Unless your parents didn't love you. (Are you still carrying that around?)

One of the first games I owned was Kung-Fu. It was one of the 18 games Nintendo released simultaneously, so I'm guessing there were plenty of copies at the Toys R' Us where my parents probably purchased my NES. I don't particularly remember asking for Kung-Fu, so maybe they got a good deal.

Nintendo used 8-Bit games, but it's hard to believe this was any more than 4-Bit. But six-year-olds back then didn't really sweat the graphics if you got to chop and kick things. In Kung-Fu, that's all you did. Over and over and over again.

I'm not saying Kung-Fu wasn't fun, because it was. It's just that I found many things curious about the game.

Why did the main character's name have to be Thomas?
You're a kick ass martial artist on a mission to save you girl from the evil Mr. X. I'm sorry, but the name Thomas just didn't cut it for me. I was used to cartoon characters with names like Starscream, Panthro, and Hordak. "It's time to kick butt Thomas!" Maybe after I fold my laundry.

Why do these bad guys suck?
Kung-Fu was filled with bad guys called Grippers. The grippers pretty much hugged you and that drained your energy. They didn't attack you, just hugged. Maybe Thomas had touching issues. Other silly bad guys included Tom Toms or midget kung-fu guys that either hugged your leg or did monkey flips on your head before proceeding forward. The dagger throwers are pretty lame, but at least I'm buying that daggers will hurt you. Other things that can hurt you are pots that explode into dragons or tiny snakes, and exploding balls that drop from the ceiling. The five bosses are a tad better because they either have weapons (a stick, a boomerang) are really big (i.e. Giant Black Guy that tries to kick you aka Deebo!), practice black magic (featuring heads you can keep knocking off) and finally Mr. X who does some Kung-Fu moves.

*An aside on Mr. X.
Do you remember food commercials that compared one fancy brand with Brand X? Well for some reason we had these pretzels in my house that came in a generic black and white bag, and I always considered them Brand X. Those Brand X pretzels were awesome. I seem to vaguely remember making a connection between Mr. X and Brand X and about Mr. X stealing Thomas' girlfriend and then eating some pretzels.

How busy is Thomas that his girlfriend repeatedly gets kidnapped?
Spoiler Alert After you beat Mr. X, you get to play the game over again. Rinse, repeat, and again. Supposedly the game gets incrementally harder but that's besides the point. "Thomas, you've just rescued your girlfriend from a bunch of huggers and midgets, but guess what? Mr. X has just captured her again. Watch out for that dangerous pottery." Maybe he loves her, but she's really a pain in the neck. If he doesn't want to keep track of her for one minute after he rescues her, maybe it's time to move on. Let Mr. X keep her and maybe they find a spark over some delicious salted snack food. (Note: I keep referring to the damsel in distress as "girlfriend" because it sounds a lot better than Sylvia. Really? Thomas & Sylvia? Shouldn't they be with the rest of the octogenarians in Boca?)

Kung-Fu isn't a bad game. Maybe it is. But I got to chop and kick. I think it's important to remember the good things, the simple things. You don't need too much more in a game than that. So I salute you Kung-Fu. Your action was lame, your graphics lacked, and your plot could be memorized by a goldfish, and unlike gnats you served your purpose.

Chopping.

Kicking.

Kung-Fu.