Don't Mind Me. I'm a Shopper.

Behold the mighty consumer. The savior of the economy and purchaser of things practical and frivolous. With so many places to choose from, have you ever looked up and thought to yourself, "What am I doing here?"

I have often found myself in a store knowing I don't belong. The first time I felt this way was in a J.Crew store. But why some place as innocuous as a J.Crew? I think it just reminds me of high school, being surrounded by people who dress like they came from that catalog and them never having been particularly accepting of me or my interests. It's a land of bizarre preppiness that makes it ok to wear little spouting whales on your shorts and consider not wearing socks with shoes. It's pretty much the same discomfort you may have felt when every Thom, Dick, and Preston was popping the collars on their polo shirts. There is a cringe factor involved upon sight that just gives me the irks. It's mutual. We both don't get each other. I just happen to be on their home turf, and that makes me the awkward one. For the record, up until my honeymoon I hadn't worn a pair of khakis in eight years. I am strangely proud of that for some reason.

But getting back to discomfort. I think this uncomfortableness can best be described as shoppers paranoia. In reality, the store employees do not care that you are there. If you need help, they will usually help you. If not, you are on your own and no one gets hurt. The shoppers discomfort about being in the store is fueling this awkwardness. When I was in J.Crew, I felt like I was in high school again, but there are other reasons for discomfort besides association.

Welcome to Home Depot. What the heck are you doing here? I would like to think I have more business being here than ever before since I am now a home owner, but I can't name 80% of the things in here, let alone tell you what they are used for. Home Depot seems like a real guy place. A nose to the grindstone, complain about your wife, and throw on your best darn denim shirt brotherhood. Or you could just be picking out paint. Home Depot is one of the places you're most inclined to feel like your man card is about to be revoked along with your impact driver. Usually upon needing something at Home Depot, I find myself wandering the cavernous isles pretending like I'm there, you know, just lookin' for stuff I ran out of. Ahh, QEP 1-1/4 In. 8lb. cement board screws with high-low threads. I'm go through these things like water. I do not consider myself a mister fix it, but I am glacially becoming more able. Still, Home Depot is s world of mystery. The only thing that makes me feel less of a guy than going to Home Depot is talking about cars.

Another great "what am I doing here" place is anywhere with a woman's dressing room. It's pretty obvious what you are doing here, but it doesn't make it any less awkward. I actually do not mind shopping with my wife and maybe that makes me an odd bird. The weirdness comes when your significant woman is in the changing room. In one situation you are left waiting outside the area last shopped. There you are, hanging out amidst the blouses. Making matters worse is the absence of any chairs to sit it. So you are left to meander in this three foot area you've built yourself into, giving an awkward hello to the middle aged cashier as she waits for customers. The other situation is that your lady has you stationed in a little waiting area outside the dressing room in case she wants you to see how a potential purchase looks on her. That's cool. I'll just be sitting here with the other moms and not acknowledge the other guy in there that doesn't want to be acknowledged. These are the times I wonder why I haven't purchased a smart phone. Even if the service is down, you've always got some games on there. You know what I do? Pretend to be reading something important on my phone, or fain some texting. It's pretty lame, but it's what I'm working with. Tangentially Victoria's Secret is the worst place to wait while a dressing room stop is being made. No one thinks you're there for any good reason. You're not the good boyfriend or husband, your just the perverted guy in the lingerie store. Why don't you go to Foot Locker or buy a pretzel or something? Good idea!

There are many times you may feel weird, lost, or unaccepted, but during shopping is a conundrum. As I've mentioned, you're the one with the power. The customer is always right. Shopping is very telling though. You're letting people know what you value and what you are chosing to spend your money on. Impressions are being formed on you, no matter how fleeing, as soon as you step into a store. You shouldn't care, and maybe the really confident people don't. Image is king. There are just some places that make you feel like a court jester. They may laugh at you, but they're glad you are around. Just shake it off. Or at least get a smart phone.