Man on a Wall

For centuries, masculinity has been measured a plethora of ways. One constant is the pursuit and capture of the beast. You hunt it, you capture it, and you use it for sustenance.

Then you hang it on the wall.

That 38 point buck hanging on the wall says everything about your man-skills without even opening it's petrified mouth. We ain't talking about no Country Bear Jamboree here!

Since many of us are running low on bison jerky, man has searched for a new way to advertise just how damn awesome he is. For the urban male, zooicide is no longer an option and dragging one's mate buy the hair is severely frowned upon anywhere corn isn't the major field crop. Chest hair is a statement, as is a motorcycle, but how did that work out that guy in the Village People? You could grill meat every time someone came over your house, but....you know what? That could work, but it's just too much of an effort. What we need is something that makes a statement. We need something that stares you right in the face and says, "Are you ready for some football!?"

The year was 1998 and for $8,000.00 a man could once again assert his dominance over others. Men became men again when the first flat screen TV was mounted to a living room wall.

Not since the long curvy fence in China, did a wall garner more attention and respect. Hung in the most prominent place in the home, the flat screen TV pulls people in, inspires jealousy, and increases your popularity by infinite proportions. People will call you just to sit in your house. YOUR testosterone fueled house. People will come over and watch nature documentaries and admire you more than the African Lion. You ARE Shark Week.

People will come over to consume the charred carcasses of weaker species and watch 300lb. behemoths crash into each other. They will cringe at every bone-jarring collision, and shout ,"Man Up!" when the crimson ribbons of battle trickle down the combatants brow. And you will be the man.

With this glorious invention, your won't be able to tell if Nic Cage is as badass as this kid. They both have the same amount of actual hair.

The flat screen TV makes you official. So you work as a dynamite blaster, bought a house with a fire pit as big as a VW bug, married a cheerleader, and regularly drink out of those helmets that fit two beer cans in them. Still not certified man. When you put a TV on a wall, you my dude are Clint freakin' Eastwood.

A dark day will soon come. One of your friends will buy the newest and latest. Your living room will become a wasteland of solitude (unless you are roasting a whole pig). Friends will abandon you, calling the new big shot and congratulating him like he delivered his own child and cut the umbilical cord with his own teeth. Pretty soon you'll be sitting on your couch watching Saved By the Bell re-runs, wondering where it all went wrong. You'll say, "Honey, I think there's something wrong with the TV. Maybe we need a new one." The intentional silence will be deafening. You will be the loneliest man in the world.

"Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to choose
one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
- Viktor E. Frankl

Part of being a man is admitting that you don't need anything to tell what you are. Things are fleeting. Remember when Jim Soandso bought that Quad. And then broke his face. Now he looks like a flounder. Tim's lazerdisc collection sure was cutting edge. Don't know how I ever lived without one of these.

A job beats down on you, taking away your vitality. The stresses of the world envelop and choke you until your left looking up at the ceiling wondering what happened. We buy these fancy toys to buttress our flagging spirits, to distract us from the world, and to validate our hard work. They make us happy and they eschew in us a simple pride. Nothing wrong with feeling good. It's important to remember that stuff is only stuff, no matter how new or cool it is.

No one would have come over your house to watch your TV if you were a jerk. They are there because you are a friend, someone who is living in the same high-stress, oft-thankless world as they are. They are there because you picked them up off the floor when they were drunk and got themback to the dorm. They are there because you gave a great toast at their wedding. They are there because you helped them move into their first houses. They are there because despite what you have on your wall, you were already the man.